Friday, August 24, 2012

The lump in my throat that won't go away

It's taken up residence and won't leave.  The solution is probably to have a good, loud, slobbering, gulping cry, but those sorts of emotions tend to freak my children out.

I don't know what's wrong with me.  I guess it's partly that I don't do well with change, partly that I'm facing the imminent departure of two children (Teffy back to school and Joshua on his mission), partly that the kids are going back to school next week, partly that I'm feeling overwhelmed by financial pressure, and partly that I'm feeling like our house is falling apart around us and we can't seem to get caught up.  And then there's the absolute dearth of any information about the adoption.  I'm just stuck in a rut.

Although I'm not entirely sure how we'd pay for it, I'm considering talking with Curtis about sending Beck to a daycare for two hours a day.  This would mean he'd eat lunch at school with his siblings, but would go to a day care from 1-3, and then I'd pick him up when I pick the other kids up from school.  My primary reason for thinking about this is that very soon (I hope, anyway), we're going to have Thalia home, and she's going to need pretty intensive love/therapy/general looking after.  I have a giant list of things that need to be done around the house, most of which I could do myself, given enough time.  Things like replastering, sanding, priming and painting walls.  Scraping, priming and painting the trim on the house.  Staining our new door trim and kitchen island.  Painting our still as of yet unfinished kitchen cabinets.  I worry that once Thalia arrives, those things will be next to impossible to accomplish on our own, yet we don't have the means to hire any help.

The other thing is that Beck, being the youngest of 12 kids, rather tends to enjoy being around his brothers and sisters.  He and I do fun things together when it's just the two of us, but more often than not, he's bored and checking the front door every five minutes to see if Cora's bus has arrived.

Another reason I'm feeling emotional is because Joshua and his girlfriend had to say goodbye to each other yesterday.  She's headed back to school, and they're both feeling so sad that this is "it."  I know this is the type of thing that gets better with time, but I hate to see my son hurting.  And then there's my Teffy.  I know she's dreading going back to her apartment, her old job, and her school.  I know her heart is hurting, too.  I know she knows that she's an adult and that it's important for her to be independent, but I also know it's hard for her sometimes.

Zoe, on the other hand, seems to be on cloud nine all the time.  She's excited about school, her friends, her cheer squad, and pretty much everything going on in her life.  I wish all my kids could have her confidence and enthusiasm for life (and I wish she had their enthusiasm for getting better grades!)

I don't know - I guess it's just that we have so much going on.  There's a lot to do physically, but we're also mixing our "major life events" in a pretty crazy way.  There aren't too many folks who have older kids flying the coop and still have new ones joining the family.  Leave it to us to do things as differently as possible.  ;o)

I'll be alright as soon as we start to get new routines down.  In the meantime, I have a nice supply of dark chocolate, good books and a big bathtub!

1 comment:

  1. Hang in there Tana. Everything will work out fine. It really will.