Happy birthday, Mom

My mom would have been 69 today.  I think she would have been horrified at the thought of being nearly 70, but she sure as heck didn't look anywhere near 70.  Or 60 for that matter.  If she were still here, my sister Jaime and I would have taken her out for a bagel and Diet Coke for breakfast.  I would have gotten her a gift, and I wonder what I would have given her.  Maybe some Sees Candies bridge mix?  Maybe something cute for her house or something to wear?  I don't know.  She and my dad would have gone out for dinner, and one of us would have made cake.

I thought about going to the cemetery today, but I don't get the same comfort from the cemetery as some people seem to.  I don't feel more connected to her there, and in fact, I think the reverse is true.  I feel unsettled and she seems further away.  I think I've been there maybe 4 times, but it's not out of a lack of love or respect that I don't go there more often.  It's just that she's not there.

Where I feel my mom the most is in my home.  I talk to her here.  I sense her around me when I've had a challenging day, or when there's something unusually good going on in my life.  I feel her with me when I watch my children perform in concerts or sports or other activities that she would normally have attended.  I don't always feel her here, but it happens often enough that I'm 100% certain that she is aware of us and our circumstances, that she loves us and that she enjoys being near us when she can.

I have a good mommy.  I can't wait to see her again one day.  Until then, I take comfort in knowing that she can see me.